A Little More about NVC and Me

I have already talked a little about my personal journey in A Little about NVC and Me and Why I Am Committed to Nonviolence.  

I started to explore Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around 2003, and it had a profound effect on me.  

Go here for the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2019.   And go here for information on how you can submit your blog post. If you have ever given empathy to, or received empathy from, someone, at home or at work, or in any context, please blog about it and share your experiences with the world. 

As I have said before, Violence Begins at Home.  I grew up in a family in which I experienced an enormous amount of verbal violence on a daily basis, as well as some physical violence.  My mother was (and is) severely mentally  ill, and never received any treatment for her condition, which was, and remains, undiagnosed.  

I was subjected to constant, daily bullying and undermining for many years.  Nobody helped me or supported me, apart from my piano teacher, who was very kind.  But other than her, the people around me gave me the message that I did not matter.  I did not count.  My feelings and needs did not count. 

I carried these internal messages for many years.  When we receive the same messages repeatedly - be they positive or negative messages - we internalise them.  That is the way the human mind works.  And, as we live in a racist society, we are subjected to daily negative, racist messages, and we internalise them.  This is why we experience so much self-hatred, and why we find it so difficult to work together and to trust each other.  

I am unravelling my self-hatred and replacing it with self-love, but I still have work to do in this area.  Of all the methods I use, and share with my students, NVC has had the most profound effect on me.  NVC is based on EMPATHY. 

As I said in Why I Am Committed to Nonviolence, our self-talk continues to affect us.  

Children and young people who are exposed to violence in the home are more likely to become involved with violence outside the home.  And, as part of the legacy of slavery, our families often use violence - both physical and verbal violence.  I am sure my mother was profoundly affected by the racism she experienced on a daily basis when she was a young person. 

Of course, violence affects every community.  But my community - the global African community - is my priority.  

In order to address the violence affecting the young people in our communities, we, as adults, first need to address our own patterns of behaviour - including our self-talk. 

The violence affecting our young people has to stop.  This has to stop.  If you agree, comment "Yes!" below.  

Please share this with your networks.  And please submit your blog post to the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2019.  

 

Wealth-Building for Black Folks

Black Wealth Matters

The purpose of the books and ebooks I have written and published, and many of the blogs I have posted, is to help you to achieve your goals.  If you want to build wealth, pay attention!  This is the stuff they don't want us to know! 

Many of the resources I have posted are specifically for Black folks, i.e. people of African heritage.  Plus I have other resources for everyone - including people of African heritage.  

I am listing a few of my wealth-building resources below.  When I say you can learn how to achieve any goal, I really do mean ANY goal.  We each have a strong connection to the universe.  We need to get out of our own way!  These are resources to help us build successful, prosperous Black families and communities. 

I am committed to helping Black people to achieve our highest potential.  This is part of my commitment to global prosperity and global peace.  

I am a member of the global Black community.  If you are on the African continent or in the Diaspora -  wherever you are in the world - I am speaking to you right now.  If you are a parent, teacher or educator, if you are a business owner, pay attention!  This is the stuff they don't want us to know! 

What are you doing to build wealth - for yourself, for your family and for your community?  Please comment below.  

Please share this blog post with anyone who can benefit from it. 

Here's to your success!  

Achieving Success, with your 3-Step Success Formula

How to Get Clear, Precise Answers 

How to Get the Results You Want 

Black Success Audios 

Nurture Success 

Go here for a FREE, no-obligation consultation. 

What Do Black Parents Need? (Part 2)

Please listen below for Part 2 of this discussion, which focuses on nonviolence.  Click here for Part 1:  What Do Black Parents Need?  

See also:  Are We Listening to Our Children?  

I was joined by two awesome sistas, Shaunes Richardson of  State of the Black Parent and Dr. Stephanie Myers of Black Women for Positive Change. Black Women for Positive Change are organising a Week of Nonviolence 16th-23rd August.  

Shaunes, in particular, spoke about some of the difficulties and challenges we face when working to bring about positive change. This work is not easy!

I wrote about Nonviolent Communication, NVC, in Success Strategies for Black People and in my new ebook, Affirmations for Parents.

I am passionate about this work because it could save your life, and it could save your child's life. NVC is saving lives all over the world.  

We can change the world.  And positive change starts with us - our minds, our hearts, our families, our communities.   

Please listen below for Part 2 of this discussion, which focuses on nonviolence.  Please leave your comments below, and share this blog post with your networks.  Many thanks. 

Online Books Radio at Blog Talk Radio with Zhana21 on BlogTalkRadio

 

What Do Black Parents Need?

What Do Black Parents Need? 

I would love to hear your thoughts about what Black parents need.  We talked about this on my show this week, and there's still a lot more to say.  I was joined by Shaunes Richardson from State of the Black Parent.  You can listen below.  

On both sides of the Atlantic, we are facing some of the same challenges.  This is why I wrote Success Strategies for Black People.  Our communities are dealing with a lot iof challenges, and there is a lot more to say about this.  I'll be blogging about this some more.  

I was listening to Rev Up with Rev Alethea yesterday - her interview with Mr. X, a former prisoner.  Even though I am not a Christian, I found her approach very inspiring - and it occurred to me that, many times, parents don't realise how much impact their words have.  When they say something hurtful, they don't realise how much it hurts.  If someone else said the same thing, it would not be nearly so painful.  

But actually, most of us do not realise the impact of our words and actions most of the time.  And our words and actions have long-term consquences. 

What do Black parents need?  Please leave your comments below.  Thanks.   

Click here for Black Success audios.  

Click here to download Affirmations for Parents now.  

New Books Podcasts with Zhana21 on BlogTalkRadio

Detroit Mother Pleads Not Guilty to Killing Daughter

This is such a tragic story.  Detroit Mother Pleads Not Guilty to Brutally Murdering Her 8-Year-Old Daughter. 

The child was just a few days short of her ninth birthday.  She died from multiple stab wounds.  

This mother was obviously disturbed - I say "obviously"  because of her behaviour - and needed help.  She needed support.  She was abusing her five children in front of other people - obviously, she was desperate for help. 

This kind of thing is often preventable.  Be very clear, I am NOT suggesting that our communities are the only communities afflicted with domestic violence and abuse.  

What I am saying is that this kind of thing can be prevented.  The woman's family and friends reported her to the authorities numerous times, but the family did not get the help they needed and now one of the children is dead.  

Please, please read my book Success Strategies for Black People.  I am passionate about helping more people find out about Spiritual Response Therapy (SRT), which can prevent tragedies such as this from occurring.  SRT is a form of energy therapy which brings about miraculous results in many cases.  For more about SRT, listen to my short recording on Your Inner Wisdom.  This is just one of the methods I cover in Success Strategies. 

Plus, we need to unlearn some of our patterns of toxic communication.  Toxic communication affects our relationships with partners, work colleagues and family members.  We have inherited some of these patterns because of the slavery experience.  

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can transform violent situations and is helping people all over the world to transform their lives.  For more about NVC, please read Success Strategies for Black People.  Please also share this with anyone who can benefit from it - social workers, counsellors, anyone who is working within the Black community or who is working to combat domestic violence.  

We can transform our lives and the lives of people in our families and communities. 

Childless Man Jailed for Failing to Pay Child Support

As described in this video from the Southern Center for Human Rights, Mr. Frank Hatley was jailed for failure to pay child support.  

See below for more details. 

What's unusual about this case?  Mr. Hatley had no children.   

I believe many of these these cases of injustice can be addressed with Spiritual Response Therapy (SRT), which I talk about in Success Strategies for Black People. 

I am passionate about this.  See also:   We Need to Talk about an Injustice. 

Many people are being incarcerated, often indefinitely, in the State of Georgia for inability to pay child support.  This is in an area in which which has 24% of the population lives below the poverty line. 

One-third of those in the Cook County Jail are there because of inability to pay child support.   Of course, a high proportion of them are African Americans.  When they do manage to find some money, their payments go to the State, not to their children. 

This is just one of the many ways in which poverty leads to injustice.  Many of those jailed were not provided with legal representation.  And while they are in jail, they are not allowed to see their children.

Click here to read more. 

Rodney King Urges Young People to Stop Violent and Criminal Behaviour

Rodney King became a household name in the early 1990s for some of the worst possible reasons - he was badly beaten by racist police officers in Los Angeles.

Rioting broke out in L.A. when the jury returned a verdict of "not guilty" for the police officers involved.

Similarly, violence broke out in Tottenham, North London when the police assaulted a 16-year-old girl during a peaceful protest.

King has now stressed that people should not loot and burn their own neighbourhoods - this is not a solution. He says: "Being a looter is a crime, but who are you hating? Your local store? My message to all rioters is to stop.”

Click here for a positive alternative to the violence.

See also: UK Riots - Ending the Violence.

Click here to read more about King's statement.

Targeting the Black Community

The African Caribbean community is now being scapegoated - we are being blamed for the riots and violent disorder of last week. Like the riots, this was entirely predictable.

Click here for a positive alternative - the African Caribbean Family Leadership Project.

One caller on The Wright Stuff this morning said that people who use Patois are violent. The guest presenter did nothing to challenge him on this.

Patois is spoken by many people including parents, teachers and community leaders.

This call was in response to remarks by historian David Starkey, who claimed that Black culture is violent and that the infamous "rivers of blood" speech by Enoch Powell was right.

What is this if not incitement to violence against the Black community. Apparently, links to the English Defence League (EDF) website have been added to Starkey's video on YouTube.

This is just the thin end of the wedge. Expect more of the same.

Click here for a positive alternative - the African Caribbean Family Leadership Project.

Commentators including Bishop Dr. Derek Webley, Chair of the West Midlands Police Authority, and Sgt. Winston Christie, Interim Chair of the Black and Asian Police Association, have stated clearly that the riots were not just to do with Black people - they reflect the disaffection of many young people in British society today.

See also: Ending the Violence.

Positive Images of Black Families (2)

In yesterday's post, "Where Are the Positive Images of Black Families?", I talked about the film "Happily Ever After", which features couples talking about their experience of marriage.

The couples in the film make the point that many young Black people today have not experienced positive Black marriage and family life, and thus do not even believe it is possible for them to have happy marriages.

They see the Obamas as a positive role model, and state that if you can see that something is possible, you can aspire to it.

The film was screened by Black History Studies, whom we interviewed on Saturday on What U Need to Know. Click here to listen.

One sista in the audience pointed out that the benefits system in the UK works against married couples. If you need to claim benefits, you will receive more as a single person than as a married couple on benefits.

We have a similar legacy in the United States. In the '60s, I recall that if there was a man in the home, the family could not claim welfare benefits. So the man of the house would hide under the bed or in the closet when the welfare lady came round to check and see if there was a man present.

Many Black men were not in a position to be able earn enough to support their families. Yet they still remained in the household as a positive presence, providing moral and emotional support to their partners and being role models for their children.

One of the men in "Happily Ever After" decribes how he and his ex-partner continued to support and provide for each other and for their children after their marriage had ended. He said he had never lived more than a mile away from his chidren.

Even during slavery, parents travelled long distances under cover of night, just to have a few moments to spend with their children.

Nowadays, many times the woman does not even know where her ex-partner is living. The children don't know where their father is.

The State has systematically broken down Black families. In the UK, this problem is by no means limited to the Black community.

But to see the lengths to which white racist oppressors will go to split up Black families, see The End of the Dialogue.

Yesterday, I emphasised the need to have positive images in Black literature, film, and every art form.

The couples in "Happily Ever After" talked about the Huxtables, the family in the Cosby Show. The film states that before the Obamas, the only positive image of Black families widely available was fictional.

It was not the only positive image, but it was certainly one of the most widely available.

If children do not see positive images of Black marriages and families, they may grow up believing that it's not possible to have one.

Images are very powerful. For more about the power of visualization, see You Are Magnificent. See also Success Strategies for Black People.

I stated yesterday that this is one reason why it is vital for us to learn about Black history. It is vital for us to know about Black achievers, past and present, and about those who have challenged injustice and oppression.

If you have not seen "Happily Ever After", I urge you to see it.

Loads of Free Stuff for Black Parents and Children

The Black Holiday Gifts Guide has loads of free resources for Black parents, children and families.

Online Fun for You and Your Children

We have lots of free online fun for your children, including free resources they can download and print out.

Print out and color a Kinara.

There's an online Black history quiz.

And lots more free resources.

click here to download the free Black Holiday Gifts Guide 2010 now.

African American Gifts

Plus, we have lots of children's gifts you can buy. We have gifts for all the family - toys, coloring books, Black history board games and more.

Our coloring books include:

African American Leaders Activity and Coloring Book
Famous Black Women
African Designs Coloring Book

and more.

Check it out: click here to download the free Black Holiday Gifts Guide 2010 now.

See also: A Christian Book for Teenage Girls.

The Effects on Our Families

We often try to deny the effects of what was done to us by slavery and the racist brutality we have suffered.

We say, "I'm okay, I'm all right, we're all right". In other words, we front. This is also known as denial.

This is why I wrote the article "Why We Need to Heal".

When we look at what our ancestors experienced, it is inevitable that this is still having an effect on us, our relationships, our families and our communities.

Sometimes the wounds are so deep, and the pain is so deeply buried, that we don't even realize we are still carrying it. It is unconscious. But it is still there, and it is still having an effect on our lives, our families and our communities.

When we begin to acknowledge this, we can begin to heal it.

For more about how we can begin to heal our relationships, see
How to Get What You Want in Your Relationships, and

Success Strategies for Black People.

Black Men, Women, Relationships

This month in Essence, there is an article called “Where Is the Love” about relationships between Black men and women.

Hill Harper, author of Letters to a Young Brother and Letters to a Young Sister, has just brought out a new book entitled The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships.

One point he makes is that single-sex conversations will not bring about progress – in other words, men and women need to talk to each other.

I would argue that single-sex conversations are important, and may feel like a safer place to start. But in the end, we are a complete race and brothas and sistas need to connect and communicate with each other.

I would argue further that it’s not just a matter of talking – it’s also about how we talk and listen to each other. When there are forums for men and women, there tends to be a lot of judging and blaming, a lot of accusations. We need to learn a new language for communication – the language of Nonviolent Communication.

We have learned toxic ways of relating to each other and we are paying the price with broken relationships.

Did you know that:

Only 38% of Black children live in two-parent homes.

In 1966, more than 84% of all African American children were raised in two-parent households. By 2006, that number was at just 31%, compared to

• 80% of Asian American children and
• 70% of white American children?

The article lays the blame for problems between Black men and women firmly at the feet of internalised racism, i.e. self-hatred. I couldn’t agree more.

For more about this, see The Key to Confidence.

Hill also argues that many Black women are looking for a man who is financially well-off. I’ve heard this so many times before. I think this is probably because many of us yearn for material security. But we need to learn to provide this security for ourselves, while still being open to a loving relationship.

Hill adds that most of us would not have dated Barack Obama.

I say: If we define a potential partner by his paycheck or bank balance, rather than the qualities he is bringing to the relationship, we are selling ourselves short.

This is about core values. Are you looking for someone with whom you feel secure, with whom you can share yourself and express yourself freely and openly?

Hill finishes by talking about authenticity. If you feel like you have to put on an act when you are with men, how are you going to be happy in a relationship?

My work is about solutions – building happy, healthy relationships, families and communities. Check out my communications course October 10th-11th.

See also: This article about empathy.

No to Pre-Trial Electrocutions

Congratulations to my fellow AfroSpear members for organising another Day of Blogging for Justice to raise awareness about the use of tasers against Black men, women and children.

Click here to read my post on the previous Day of Blogging for Justice against tasing.

It is a travesty that another such event is needed. Tasing is also being referred to as "pre-trial electrocution" and rightly so.

Here are some more of today's blogs:

TNT Truth Not Tasers

AfroSpear Blog

Here in London, attacks by the police are much in the news at the moment, following the demonstrations around the G20 a couple of weeks ago. Three people have been named as victims of police attacks, one of whom, Ian Tomlinson, is now dead. Films of the incident suggest that Tomlinson was minding his own business, watching the demo from the sidelines, when attacked from behind by a police officer. He collapsed, and died shortly thereafter.

It has been decided that a third inquest into Tomlinson's death will be carried out, as the findings of the first two contradicted each other.

The day after Tomlinson's death, a woman protester was struck by a police officer.

I note that (1) both of these protesters were white, (2) both incidents were filmed. In the case of the attack on Tomlinson, several different cameras in different positions recorded the incident.

And (3) none of the alleged attacks involved the use of tasers. In other words, London's Metropolitan Police are capable of doing plenty of damage without deploying tasers. Tasers are rarely used in the UK at present, but once their use becomes widespread, the situation will only worsen.

Given the current state of the economy, with an increase in employment being forecast, many are predicting an increase in civil unrest. So lots more opportunities for the police to use heavy-handed tactics.

I will be blogging more about this soon, but I wanted to post this today in support of the Day of Justice.

Black people have been saying for many years that the policing of our communities is often brutal and violent. When Black people die in police custody, no one is ever prosecuted or deemed to have acted unlawfully or inappropriately.

As I said recently in Police Officers Accused of 60 Other Assaults, African young people and adults need to be carrying cameras and/or camera phones at all times in order to record these incidents. However, I add that, once a brotha or sista is inside a police cell, he or she has no opportunity to use a camera, and no guarantee that the cameras in place are in working order or contain film. Again, I will blog more about this soon.

Again, all credit to the sistas and brothas of the AfroSpear for keeping the issue of tasing in the forefront of our minds.

Articles Wanted: Michelle Obama as a Positive Role Model

I am seeking articles on Michelle Obama. For more info, see Is Michelle Obama a Positive Role Model?

You may also be interested in:

Ebony Intuition: Michelle Obama Covers Vogue March 2009

African American Relationships Guides