I
recently viewed this video of Marshall Rosenberg talking about making
requests.
I find
requests to be the hardest part of Nonviolent Commuication (NVC), and
I really appreciate Marshall's clarity.
NVC
teaches us that we can transform situations – including violent
situations – by using language. The way we communicate can be
transformative.
Of course, violence occurs in all communities. But Black people, people of African heritage, have
systematically been abused and subjected to extreme violence for
centures, and this has had an effect on us which must be healed.
Marshall
makes the point that we often make requests in terms of what we don't
want, rather than what we want. He gives the example of
trying to stop children from breaking windows. “How can we stop
children from breaking windows? Kill them. Research has shown that
dead children break no windows”.
Of
course this is an extreme example, but there are loads of real-life
examples to rival this. Like this one involving a pastor
or this one involving the son of a hip-hop mogul. When you read these, think about how, when we think in terms of what we
don't want, violence becomes attractive.
When I
read blogs and articles like these, my heart sinks. There are always
real-life stories about the level of violence in Black communities in
the States, in Britain and in many different places in the world.
However, we can change this.
When we think in terms of how to stop someone from doing something, violence becomes attractive.
Why do we want someone to do what we want - because of fear of violence, intimidation or punishment? Or because they want to, to meet their own needs as well as ours? What are our motives?
To read
more about NVC, see: Improving Communication/ImprovingRelationships,
See also: Getting Past the Hate, to Have More Love.
