Black Men, Women, Relationships

This month in Essence, there is an article called “Where Is the Love” about relationships between Black men and women.

Hill Harper, author of Letters to a Young Brother and Letters to a Young Sister, has just brought out a new book entitled The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships.

One point he makes is that single-sex conversations will not bring about progress – in other words, men and women need to talk to each other.

I would argue that single-sex conversations are important, and may feel like a safer place to start. But in the end, we are a complete race and brothas and sistas need to connect and communicate with each other.

I would argue further that it’s not just a matter of talking – it’s also about how we talk and listen to each other. When there are forums for men and women, there tends to be a lot of judging and blaming, a lot of accusations. We need to learn a new language for communication – the language of Nonviolent Communication.

We have learned toxic ways of relating to each other and we are paying the price with broken relationships.

Did you know that:

Only 38% of Black children live in two-parent homes.

In 1966, more than 84% of all African American children were raised in two-parent households. By 2006, that number was at just 31%, compared to

• 80% of Asian American children and
• 70% of white American children?

The article lays the blame for problems between Black men and women firmly at the feet of internalised racism, i.e. self-hatred. I couldn’t agree more.

For more about this, see The Key to Confidence.

Hill also argues that many Black women are looking for a man who is financially well-off. I’ve heard this so many times before. I think this is probably because many of us yearn for material security. But we need to learn to provide this security for ourselves, while still being open to a loving relationship.

Hill adds that most of us would not have dated Barack Obama.

I say: If we define a potential partner by his paycheck or bank balance, rather than the qualities he is bringing to the relationship, we are selling ourselves short.

This is about core values. Are you looking for someone with whom you feel secure, with whom you can share yourself and express yourself freely and openly?

Hill finishes by talking about authenticity. If you feel like you have to put on an act when you are with men, how are you going to be happy in a relationship?

My work is about solutions – building happy, healthy relationships, families and communities. Check out my communications course October 10th-11th.

See also: This article about empathy.

I'm on the Radio Friday 2nd October

I will be on Loretta N. Green's radio show this coming Friday, 2nd of October. I hope you will join us. Click here to listen to the show. The phone-in number is 001 (347) 838-9818 or you can join us in the chatroom.

I will also be on Diana Broomfield's show again on Saturday 17th October. Click here to listen in.

On my previous visit to Diana's show, we had a very lively and spirited discussion. We spoke about President Obama, affirmative action and lots more. Click here to listen to the recording of that show.

See also, Superior African Weapons.

Superior African Weapons

In my recent radio interview with Diana Broomfield, I talked about a book, Of Water and the Spirit, by Malidoma Patrice Some.

Click here to hear the interview.

Malidoma talks about his amazing journey. Having been raised by his grandfather, a powerful shaman, he was kidnapped at age six and sent to a seminary. As an adult, he had to reclaim his culture and language.

Malidoma tells of his grandfather's remarkable powers: a small plot of land was able to feed the entire village, with food to spare. And a weapon which was traditional to his family made them virtually invincible.

However, the most powerful weapon is the mind. Only by using our minds can we achieve our full potential.

I strongly recommend Of Water and the Spirit.

Click here for more personal development books.

Listening to the President

I saw this excellent blog post today, A Different Type of Double Standard.

Do people even listen to what the President is saying? Or do they just see a Black face and turn off (literally turn off their TVs)?

I mean, first of all, they accused him of having a "political agenda". How do you get to the White House without having a "political agenda"?

I read so much nonsense about President Obama these days. I am at a loss sometimes about what to say - there is so much stupidity about.

People seem to be coming from fear, prejudice (pre-judging) and ignorance, without even listening to what the man says.

Pay attention, people. He is talking about values, things we all care about, things that can help us all to improve our lives and give them meaning. Things like education, taking responsibility, contributing to the common good. Pay attention. But if you are reading this blog, I assume you already do.

Now We Can Join the BNP!

Today, Black people in the UK have achieved a great victory against racial discrimination. Now we can join the extreme right-wing British National Party. They are no longer allowed to bar any British person from membership on the grounds of racial or cultural background, or country of origin.

On The Wright Stuff this morning, Matthew Wright suggested we should all join the party and, once we are members, change the manifesto. If you get there before me, please save me a place in the queue.

I'm on the Radio Saturday 5th September!

I will be interviewed by Diana Broomfield on her radio show this Saturday, 5th August, 4 p.m. EST (9 p.m. UK time). I hope you will join us! Click here to listen online.

I will be talking about my books, my courses, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and much more.

Click here for more about NVC and empathy

Getting Past the Hate

Check out my blog at Ancestral Healing on Black Women, Men and Self-Hatred. For practical solutions, see Getting Past the Hate.

I will be leading a two-day course in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in London in October.

An International Approach

One of the important features of the More Black Success free ebooks is that we publish work by and about people of African heritage wherever we are based in the world.

It is vital that people of African heritage link together and share our knowledge and information with each other.

To read more, and to order your free copies, see Books for Truth-Seekers.

What Do You Object To?

Further to my previous post on The President's Plans for Healthcare Reform, I have today seen two excellent blogs by my fellow AfroSpear member Eddie Griffin.

One asks, "What Do You Object To?". The President is seeking to make healthcare available and affordable for everyone. What exactly is the problem with this?

The other, A Detailed Examination of Healthcare Myths, spells it out very clearly.

I gotta say, this is one area in which the UK is way ahead of the U.S.A. Nobody in Britain has to worry about forking out for healthcare. We only have to worry about whether or not our local primary care trusts can afford to pay for the treatment we seek - and even this should not be an issue except in extraordinary cases.

If the economy continues the way it is going, however, this is going to become more and more of an issue.

As I said in my previous blog, the President is seeking to save money by reducing wastage and allocating more appropriately money which is already in the system.

What is the objection to this?

Obama on Healthcare

Click here to view a video of President Obama addressing the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons).

Some of the points the President made were:

* We need a better bang for our healthcare dollar. The rising costs are not leading to a corresponding improvement in healthcare.

* He talked about commonsense measures, emphasising prevention by using methods such as immunisation and testing.

* We need clear, easy-to-understand insurance.

* We can save money on medical costs.

The emphasis on prevention goes completely against the way healthcare has been practiced in the West for the past 150-200 years. The emphasis has been on “curing” problems rather than preventing them. This is often the opposite of traditional methods such as acupuncture, where it is recognised that prevention should be the priority.

I’m sure your grandmother told you that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. Somehow, with healthcare provision in the West, this message has been lost.

The President talked about the fact that providing the right care in the first place will save money. So he was talking in terms of dollars and cents, and using a system that makes sense financially while improving the quality of healthcare being provided.

He also talked about changing the way we reward doctors. Rewarding them for the quality of healthcare they provide for ongoing and chronic conditions, rather than for the number of times they see the same patients. This is groundbreaking stuff.

It was very moving to hear the President speak about his mother, after her cancer diagnosis, being accused by insurers of having had a pre-existing condition, which would have made her ineligible for coverage. She had to spend weeks writing back and forth to insurance companies from her hospital bed after she had been paying premiums right along. And this happens to people right across the country. This causes people and their loved ones a great deal of fear and anxiety because of the prospect of losing their health coverage.

He spoke about having a system of health insurance that actually makes sense.

For example, at the moment, the more times you have to return to the hospital for treatment, the more that hospital gets paid. The more often you see a doctor for treatment for the same condition, the more that doctor is paid. And the insurance company can decide not to pay for your treatment because you lose your job or you change jobs, or for some other reason. And you don’t find out until it’s too late.

This is truly shameful. This is a scandal nobody talks about. Doctors, healthcare providers and insurance companies are making profit at the expense of those seeking treatment.

Here in the UK, because we have socialised medicine, we do not have many of these problems. We don’t find that when the time comes, the doctor is not paid for, or the hospital care is not paid for. Everything is paid for and Britons expect to receive free heathcare from the cradle to the grave. We have to pay for prescriptions, but it’s at a flat rate which at the moment is just over £7, or about $10-11. And people who have a large number of prescriptions, e.g. more than five, can purchase a pre-payment prescription which means you can pay one flat rate for three months or one year, thus making prescriptions very affordable.

One statistic the President revealed today is that in the U.S., prescriptions cost 77% more than they cost in other countries. I am shocked by this but not surprised. I know prescription costs are high in the U.S. but I am shocked at how high they are, and that this has been allowed to go on for so long.

Of course, we have different problems here in the UK. The system is virtually bankrupt. We have what is called a “postcode lottery” which means that some treatments are not available to everybody in every part of the country. We have long waiting lists, which means some people who can afford to opt to go private do so, in order to access treatment promptly.

So it’s not a perfect system.

I agree with the President. There is a lot of waste in the current system and reducing that waste will reduce healthcare costs. This will be better for those who use healthcare, and for the country as a whole.

However, some of the providers are making so much money with the current system, and healthcare is such big business in America, that there will be many people who will be unhappy with the President’s plans to reform healthcare and health insurance in the U.S. They will simply lose too much money – they money they are now making by ripping people off.

What the President is proposing is very courageous and I salute him.

See also:

Barack Obama, African American Success Story

Celebrating Barack Obama

Happy Birthday Mandela

As Villager has said, yesterday was Nelson Mandela's birthday.

I can remember standing on the 24-hour nonstop picket line outside the South African Embassy in London's Trafalgar Square in the 1980s.

A friend of mine used to go come down every Friday evening, after a full work week, to stand on the picket line. I remember when she was arrested for obstruction one night. I went to court to support her and was pleased when the case was thrown out.

We made very small sacrifices. We boycotted certain fruits. Why did the ones from South Africa always appear to be the plumpest and freshest?

On our visits to the supermarket, we dug our fingernails into the avocados to stop anyone else from eating them.

Mandela sacrificed many years of his life, but somehow managed not only to keep his dignity, but to treat his enemies with respect, and win them over with his kindness and his wisdom.

I can remember the days when we thought the end of Apartheid would inevitably involve violence, destruction and bloodshed on a massive scale. Yet, miraculously, it came about peaceably. Mandela played a major role in the peace process.

To read more about this, see:

Long Walk to Freedom: Nelson Mandela's Autobiography
Endgame: The Beginning of the end of Apartheid.

I remember, too, that when he visited London after his release from prison, he challenged the police about their handling of the Stephen Lawrence enquiry. Up until then, the enquiry had not been prioritised or pursued seriously by the police. Mandela's involvement ensured that this issue was given the prominence it deserved.

This great African leader is an inspiration to people all over the world.

Happy birthday, Mandela!

Unlimited Power

In Positive Change and Transformation, I recently wrote about the fact that those of us fro a political background often come from a position of blame. Blaming white folks, blaming those in power, blaming whoever. Even blaming ourselves and each other.

Individuality

By individuality, I mean valuing oneself and others and respecting one’s own ideals and values. For more about this, see The Key to Confidence.

Individuality is not the same as being individualistic or selfish. Nor does it mean doing something because “Black people do it”. In order to be individuals, we need to honour our uniqueness.

The more we behave as individuals, and treat others as individuals, the more we can become free of the group mentality which lies at the hear tof the blame culture.

Instead of blaming, we need to take responsibility.

Passivity vs. Blame

At the opposite end of the spectrum from blaming is passivity. The “let God take care of it” attitude that many of us from a religious background tend to have.

I think this is a cultural difference between Black and white people. People from European backgrounds tend to be confident about self-power, but they tend to fear other power. We, on the other hand, tend to be overly reliant on other power, and lack confidence in our self-power.

We need both. We need a balance between self-power and other-power.

Although I have said that they are opposites, passivity and blame often go together. This is because we feel frustrated by our own passivity and then project it onto others.

I saw a post on an online forum recently where someone who had worked in a care home was writing about the corruption she had witnessed on a daily basis. She had seen residents of the home being abused. She wrote, “I was going to challenge it, but then I decided to leave it to God”.

People, we cannot afford to “leave it to God”.

When I was a Christian and believed in a god, I also believed that “God helps those who help themselves”.

To put it another way, everything we do is matched with energy from the universe. The universe matches and multiplies whatever energy we put out.

We can only do this if we focus on our own power – not other people’s. For more about this, read Allowing Success.

Imagine you have unlimited power to attain anything you want, and fulfill your dreams.

You do have this power, you were born with it . Reach down inside yourself to draw on this power. You are unstoppable.

For more about this, see The Higher Self.

As I said in Success Strategies for Black People, never say "I can't". Say "How can I?".

Michael Jackson Is Dead

Wow. I remember when he first came to prominence, when he was 10 and I was 11. He was an exceptional talent and grew up to be one of the biggest stars on the planet - deservedly so. In those days, to be famous and successful as a performer, you needed to have real talent. And he had it in spades.

He has had such a troubled life. He had no childhood. He faced his demons in adulthood but we don't know if he won.

I was just thinking about Michael Jackson a couple of nights ago, about how when he was a child and was appearing with the Jackson 5 at the Royal Variety Performance, Elton John said he felt sorry for them because they had been made to wait so long.

He was interviewed by Oprah, where they both talked about the childhood abuse they had suffered.

How could he have died of a heart attack? He was only 50. What was going on there?

This has really shocked me. No doubt we will be learning more over the next days and weeks.

See also, Celebrating the Legend That Is Motown.

Black Men's Health - Too Embarrassed to Talk about It?

On Oprah today, Dr. Oz will be the host. It's the first time anyone other than Oprah herself has hosted.

The topic is men's health. And everyone in the studio will be male.

If you are a Black man, are you too embarrassed to talk about your health? Do you avoid talking about it with your wife, the woman in your life, your family?

Do you avoid going to the doctor because you don't want to get bad news?

How can we as healthcare and health promotion workers reach African American and African Caribbean men? How can we support them to get the health checks they need?

In the free More Black Success ebook Volume 4, Dr. Bill Releford writes about the Black Barbershop Project. If we can't get the men to go to the doctor, we need to bring the doctor to the men.

For your free copy, visit More Black Success today!

I'm on TV Tonight!

I will be appearing on the Rhoda Wilson Show tonight (Friday 19th June) at 10:00 p.m. I hope you will join us.

Rhoda will interview me about my book Success Strategies for Black People and about my Nonviolent Communication (NVC) workshops for the African Caribbean Community.

BEN TV, Sky Channel 184
The Rhoda Wilson Show

I am very passionate about this work. It is changing people's lives.

Positive Change and Transformation

In the face of recent events such as, for example, the Samantha Orabator case, the Troy Davis case and the many instances of tasings of African American people, one of my online contacts recently raised the question, “What Can We Do?”.

We work so hard to battle these injustices. Yet they never seem to decrease. So what can we do?

My work is all about creating a more positive future.

The Law of Attraction tells us that whatever we put our energies into, increases in our lives. This is very similar to the Law of Increase, which I write about in my book Success Strategies for Black People.

Although our intention is to bring about positive change, we need to be aware that these universal laws are constantly working. They can work for us or against us. We can use them in our favour – or not.

In other words, the more energy we put into battling a problem, the more energy we are giving to that problem.

We need to turn our focus to the solution rather than the problem.

Situations such as the case of Samantha Orabator will often respond to Spiritual Response Therapy (SRT). I write about SRT and the Higher Self in Success Strategies.

I also write about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as well as other highly effective processes.

These are transformative methods. I have seen miracles happen in my life and in the lives of others. This is why I wrote the book. I want to make these methods available to as many people of African heritage as possible. We can use these methods and other things I cover in the book to heal ourselves, our families and our communities. And we can use them to achieve much, much more.

I am passionate about the work I do because I have seen the difference it makes in people’s lives.

As Black people, we often get into victim mentality. This is because we have been victimised for so many generations.

Those of us of a political bent say, “Organise! Fight back!”. And of course, there is a time to organise. There is a time to fight, to defend our communities.

However, in order to bring about real positive, effective change and transformation, we need to turn our focus inward.

Human beings in general tend to blame others for our problems, difficulties and issues. This is a basic human tendency. And others are often to blame.

The problem with this is that it locates the solution outside of us. If only “they” would treat us better. If only he, she or they would stop doing whatever it is they are doing and do what we want them to do. Then everything would be okay.

Please note, I am NOT trying to take the blame for racism and racist violence off of white people.

I am just saying that, whether we blame ourselves or other people, blame is not a solution. And I am interested in solutions.

We have amazing power. We need to use this power to bring about the changes we need. Blame then becomes a distraction from what will bring about the real changes we deserve.

I am a pragmatist. I am committed to doing what works.

I will be blogging about this further within the next few days.

Too Many Politicians?

In the light of the recent Parliamentary expenses scandal, David Cameron has been calling for a reduction in the number of politicians.

Surely there need to be more. Constituencies are way too big, which is one reason why the politicians have gotten out of touch with the electorate. One politician said his "private life", i.e. how he spends our money, is none of our business!

Meanwhile, there has been this row over the fact that all members of the London Assembly, including the BNP member, have been invited to a garden party at Buckingham Palace by the Queen. Apparently, she invites the Assembly every year.

I do not hold with the argument that if she invites one, she has to invite all of them. The BNP are no better than the National Front, albeit with briefcases and nice suits. In other words, Nazis.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did we not fight a war against these people? Are these not the same people who dropped bombs on London and other British cities every night? Now they are attacking from the inside.

But I blame the electorate. These people would not be in power if people didn't vote for them. Similarly, people voted for Hitler. Learn from history, folks!

Maybe Cameron's right, we do have too many politicians.

Against the Execution of Troy Davis (How much is a Black man's life worth?)

Troy Davis waits to be executed for a murder he did not commit. The case against him rests on the flimsiest of evidence.

Many of us are aware of the Exonerations Project and the Center for Wrongful Convictions at Northwestern University.

Among other things, this proved what many of us have known for many years – African American men are disproportionately convicted, imprisoned and sentenced to execution.

Troy Davis’s case stands out at this time because he is scheduled for execution, because there is practically no evidence against him, and because the courts have refused to reopen his case. He was given a 30-day stay of execution, but this has already passed.

There was no murder weapon and no physical evidence to convict him. Seven of the nine witnesses against him have withdrawn their testimony, stating that they only provided it under duress.

You can read more about this at Sojourner’s Place.

See also Derrick’s Window

Converstions with Marva

So why is this case being upheld?

Why is a retrial not being granted?

Fans of TV dramas such as CSI and Law and Order would strongly object if these shows depicted such a case. No weapon, no forensic evidence. This plot does not hold together.

But this is real life. And history has shown us time and time again that Black people’s lives are not worth much.

He killed a police officer. He must be guilty, regardless of the lack of evidence.

It just seems like the same old thing to me. String another one up. Lynchings, tasings, legal, state-sponsored executions. It all amounts to the same thing. So much African blood being spilled.

Black life is not worth much.

Meanwhile, the real killer is still out there somewhere.

Black life is not worth much.

Think about Samantha Orobator, the young woman from South London who was scheduled for execution in Laos.

Black life is not worth much.

Amnesty International have called for today to be an International Day of Blogging for Action.

Black life is not worth much. Click here to email or fax Georgia’s Governor Perdue and prove that this is not true.

Black Writers and Artists, Add Your Link

I am in the process of carrying over the links from the old Nurture Success site. They will appear on various lists including

African Heritage Resources and

Writers' Resources

If you are a writer or an artist of African heritage, please join Black Books and Stuff and add your link. You can also post news of any events you are holding on this site.

You will also want to check out this list of Resources for Black Writers and Readers.

Samantha Orobator Has Seen a Lawyer

I have just heard that Samantha Orobator, the Black woman from Camberwell, South London who is being held in prison in Laos, has been allowed to see a lawyer, at last.

There were 10 Laotian high officials present, so she did not have the opportunity to discuss anything confidential. But at least they have let her see a lawyer. She was scheduled for execution but this was changed - only because she is pregnant.

Orobator is accused of heroin possession. She has been held for many months and became pregnant in prison. To read more, see: African American Political Pundit

To watch a video, see: Black Women in Europe