Riots in the UK - The Current Crisis

Rioting at a Hotel in Rotherham

We have been through one crisis after another over the past few years.  

Currently, riots are sweeping the UK.  They are linked with racism, Islamophobia and anti-immigrant sentiment  promoted and spready by far-right groups. Hotels that house refugees and asylum seekers are being attacked and set on fire.  

In some cases, people from anti-racist groups are confronting the rioters. 

I recently posted about global conflict.  However, the violence has come home. This is very frightening for those of us living in the UK.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has a vital part to play, although I personally think its main impact is more about prevention.  But it has been used effectively in situations of extreme violence.  

Go here for more about NVC.  

And go here for my FREE worksheet for parents.  Parents have a vital role to play in preventing and ending the violence. 

NVC is based on empathy, which is about listening.  

We need to understand the causes of the violence.  People are very angry and have been for years now.  Certain groups and certin politicians are whipping up the anger.  

Why are these people so angry?  Because they think they have not been listened to.  They think they have been ignored by the powers that be, and at last, the violence is exploding.  

We must have meaningful dialogue if we are going to put an end to the violence.  

Go here for The Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2024.  

 

 

 

 

Global Conflict - What Can We Do to Help?

Sudanese Refugees in Chad

It breaks my heart to read of conflicts occurring in African countries such as Burkina Faso, DRC, Nigeria and Sudan, and others, and those among people of African heritage, including in Yemen and Haiti.  Plus the conflicts we hear about every day, such as those in Gaza and Uraine.  Vast numbers of people are being displaced as a result. 

We're in a New Era of Conflict and Crisis - this article focuses on the exploding need for aid amidst dwindling funding resources.  Last year, more than 360 million people worldwide needed humanitarian assistance.

Although aid has a significant role to play, my focus is on preventing and resolving conflicts.  

We need to find solutions, and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be part of the solution.  

NVC is based on empathy.  

Please help me to spread the word, helping more people to learn and apply NVC skills to prevent and resolve global conflicts.  Please submit a blog post to the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2024.  

Conflict often begins in the home, and children who experience violence in the home are more likely to get involved with conflict outside the home.  Go here to download my NVC Worksheet for Parents.  

What are your thoughts about preventing and resolving global conflicts?  Please comment below and please share this with your networks.  Thanks.  

Chicago Officer Seen Manhandling Black Woman Faces 24 Misconduct Allegations

You have probably seen this story before, from Your Black World.  Chicago Officer Seen Manhandling Black Woman Faces 24 Misconduct Allegations.

This is the take on the same story from the Atlanta Black Star:  Should Not Be Policing the Streets.  

The long and the short of it is this:  A white, male police officer has been filmed manhandling Nikkita Brown, a Black woman,  late at night while she was walking her dog.  

The officer has not been named, but has been put on administrative leave.  As stated in the headline above, this is by no means the first such incident involving this officer. 

This is so disgusting.  And if you ever wanted to know why I hold the annual Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence, this is a clear example.  

We must learn to speak to each other and listen to each other with respect and empathy.  Empathy can prevent this kind of incident from occurring - when we have the skills.  

Plus check this out:  You about to Lose Yo Job.  This always tickles me. 

Go here for more blog posts from the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2021.  

Go here for readings from the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence.  

Go here for NVC resources.  

What practical methods can you suggest for preventing violent incidents?  Please comment below and please share this post with your networks.  

 

A Little More about NVC and Me

I have already talked a little about my personal journey in A Little about NVC and Me and Why I Am Committed to Nonviolence.  

I started to explore Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around 2003, and it had a profound effect on me.  

Go here for the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2019.   And go here for information on how you can submit your blog post. If you have ever given empathy to, or received empathy from, someone, at home or at work, or in any context, please blog about it and share your experiences with the world. 

As I have said before, Violence Begins at Home.  I grew up in a family in which I experienced an enormous amount of verbal violence on a daily basis, as well as some physical violence.  My mother was (and is) severely mentally  ill, and never received any treatment for her condition, which was, and remains, undiagnosed.  

I was subjected to constant, daily bullying and undermining for many years.  Nobody helped me or supported me, apart from my piano teacher, who was very kind.  But other than her, the people around me gave me the message that I did not matter.  I did not count.  My feelings and needs did not count. 

I carried these internal messages for many years.  When we receive the same messages repeatedly - be they positive or negative messages - we internalise them.  That is the way the human mind works.  And, as we live in a racist society, we are subjected to daily negative, racist messages, and we internalise them.  This is why we experience so much self-hatred, and why we find it so difficult to work together and to trust each other.  

I am unravelling my self-hatred and replacing it with self-love, but I still have work to do in this area.  Of all the methods I use, and share with my students, NVC has had the most profound effect on me.  NVC is based on EMPATHY. 

As I said in Why I Am Committed to Nonviolence, our self-talk continues to affect us.  

Children and young people who are exposed to violence in the home are more likely to become involved with violence outside the home.  And, as part of the legacy of slavery, our families often use violence - both physical and verbal violence.  I am sure my mother was profoundly affected by the racism she experienced on a daily basis when she was a young person. 

Of course, violence affects every community.  But my community - the global African community - is my priority.  

In order to address the violence affecting the young people in our communities, we, as adults, first need to address our own patterns of behaviour - including our self-talk. 

The violence affecting our young people has to stop.  This has to stop.  If you agree, comment "Yes!" below.  

Please share this with your networks.  And please submit your blog post to the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2019.  

 

The Argument-Free Marriage

Greetings, all.  I just saw this great article, The Argument-Free Marriage.  It links to the above video with Fawn Weaver. 

What she is saying is very similar to what we do with NVC, but in NVC we would say, first connect with your own feelings and needs, then connect with the other person's and only then express your feelings and needs. 

If you connect with the other person's feelings and needs, they are much more likely to be open to yours.  This works in all different kinds of relationships, not just marriages. 

Anyway, this is a great video. Enjoy! 

Please share this with your networks and please leave a comment below.

Click here for more about NVC. 

Why Conflicts Don't Get Resolved

Why Conflicts Don't Get Resolved

For more about NVC, check out my blog post:  How to Transform Your Relationships.  

I've been having a problem with this guy. This has made me so upset and so angry, although I have calmed down somewhat, thank goodness.

I am a very private person and it's important to me to maintain clear boundaries. When I think someone is trying to force himself or herself on me, I get very defensive. My barriers go up and they are not coming down! I know this because I know what I am like, and how I tend to react to this kind of situation.

I'm going to break this down. We have an NVC (Nonviolent Communication) group at the London Buddhist Centre and this guy came along. The group is for Buddhists, but we decided to open it up to include people who have done a Buddhism course. This could be anybody who has done a Buddhism course, they don't have to be Buddhists. 

This guy came along – let's call him Fred (not his real name).  I asked him if he is a Buddhist and he said he had done a vipassana meditation retreat.  So I told him we would like him to do a Buddhism course and he said, cool, he was interested in learning about Buddhism. 

A couple of weeks later, we updated the mailing list and, prior to doing a mailing, I asked Fred if he had signed up for a Buddhism course.  It transpired he hadn't.  So I said, you will be welcome once you complete a Buddhism course.

Then he started saying we were “excluding people”.  Remember, it has been clearly stated that this group is for Buddhists, and we meet at the London Buddhist Centre.

Later on, after a series of emails, Fred started saying he had done a Buddhism course. He never mentioned this before.  He also said he had done the vipassana retreat three times.

Apparently, he is now saying he did it six times.  I have stopped reading his emails and told him not to write to me again.   Of course, he continued to send me emails.  As I said, my barriers are up and they are not coming down.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that he keeps saying things like “I'm confused”, “I'm baffled”, and there's nothing confusing or baffling going on here.   My communication has been very clear.

Someone trying to argue and pressure his way into the group simply does not cut it with me.

To break this down, in NVC, we would not say something like “You are excluding people”. This is an interpretation.  We would say something along the lines of, “I am upset because I think you are excluding me”.

Also, I could say that he is lying, but this is an interpretation.   It could also be called “jackal speech”, i.e., speech that disconnects us from each other, such as blaming and labelling.  So I prefer to say, “He keeps changing his story”.

In NVC, we try to be as factual as possible.  Instead of saying, “Such-and-such happened”, we say, “I remember such-and-such happening”.  The truth is that people remember things differently.   I can only be responsible for what I remember. 

 

Similarly, for me to say he is “ trying to argue and pressure his way into the group” is an interpretation, not an observation.

One of the most important lessons to be learned from this is that if we want someone to respect our feelings and needs, we first need to connect with theirs – genuinely and from the heart.  If Fred had connected with my feelings and needs, I would probably have been a lot more willing to listen to his.  Instead, I just want to have nothing to do with him now. This is how conflicts go unresolved.

It takes a lot of practice to learn NVC and I am not always able to use or apply the level of skill I would like to.

As I said, I am calming down about the whole thing now.   Even if I don't receive empathy from Fred or from others, I can still give empathy to myself.   This can be a very rewarding experience.

For more about NVC, check out my blog post:  How to Transform Your Relationships.  

I welcome your comments below.

Black Men, Women, Relationships

This month in Essence, there is an article called “Where Is the Love” about relationships between Black men and women.

Hill Harper, author of Letters to a Young Brother and Letters to a Young Sister, has just brought out a new book entitled The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships.

One point he makes is that single-sex conversations will not bring about progress – in other words, men and women need to talk to each other.

I would argue that single-sex conversations are important, and may feel like a safer place to start. But in the end, we are a complete race and brothas and sistas need to connect and communicate with each other.

I would argue further that it’s not just a matter of talking – it’s also about how we talk and listen to each other. When there are forums for men and women, there tends to be a lot of judging and blaming, a lot of accusations. We need to learn a new language for communication – the language of Nonviolent Communication.

We have learned toxic ways of relating to each other and we are paying the price with broken relationships.

Did you know that:

Only 38% of Black children live in two-parent homes.

In 1966, more than 84% of all African American children were raised in two-parent households. By 2006, that number was at just 31%, compared to

• 80% of Asian American children and
• 70% of white American children?

The article lays the blame for problems between Black men and women firmly at the feet of internalised racism, i.e. self-hatred. I couldn’t agree more.

For more about this, see The Key to Confidence.

Hill also argues that many Black women are looking for a man who is financially well-off. I’ve heard this so many times before. I think this is probably because many of us yearn for material security. But we need to learn to provide this security for ourselves, while still being open to a loving relationship.

Hill adds that most of us would not have dated Barack Obama.

I say: If we define a potential partner by his paycheck or bank balance, rather than the qualities he is bringing to the relationship, we are selling ourselves short.

This is about core values. Are you looking for someone with whom you feel secure, with whom you can share yourself and express yourself freely and openly?

Hill finishes by talking about authenticity. If you feel like you have to put on an act when you are with men, how are you going to be happy in a relationship?

My work is about solutions – building happy, healthy relationships, families and communities. Check out my communications course October 10th-11th.

See also: This article about empathy.

I'm on the Radio Saturday 5th September!

I will be interviewed by Diana Broomfield on her radio show this Saturday, 5th August, 4 p.m. EST (9 p.m. UK time). I hope you will join us! Click here to listen online.

I will be talking about my books, my courses, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and much more.

Click here for more about NVC and empathy

Getting Past the Hate

Check out my blog at Ancestral Healing on Black Women, Men and Self-Hatred. For practical solutions, see Getting Past the Hate.

I will be leading a two-day course in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in London in October.