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| Why Conflicts Don't Get Resolved |
I've
been having a problem with this guy. This has made me so upset and
so angry, although I have calmed down somewhat, thank goodness.
I
am a very private person and it's important to me to maintain clear
boundaries. When I think someone is trying to force himself or
herself on me, I get very defensive. My barriers go up and they are
not coming down! I know this because I know what I am like, and how
I tend to react to this kind of situation.
I'm
going to break this down. We have an NVC (Nonviolent Communication)
group at the London Buddhist Centre and this guy came along. The
group is for Buddhists, but we decided to open it up to include
people who have done a Buddhism course. This could be anybody who
has done a Buddhism course, they don't have to be Buddhists.
This
guy came along – let's call him Fred (not his real name). I asked
him if he is a Buddhist and he said he had done a vipassana
meditation retreat. So I told him we would like him to do a
Buddhism course and he said, cool, he was interested in learning
about Buddhism.
A
couple of weeks later, we updated the mailing list and, prior to
doing a mailing, I asked Fred if he had signed up for a Buddhism
course. It transpired he hadn't. So I said, you will be welcome
once you complete a Buddhism course.
Then
he started saying we were “excluding people”. Remember, it has
been clearly stated that this group is for Buddhists, and we meet at
the London Buddhist Centre.
Later
on, after a series of emails, Fred started saying he had done a
Buddhism course. He never mentioned this before. He also said he
had done the vipassana retreat three times.
Apparently,
he is now saying he did it six times. I have stopped reading his
emails and told him not to write to me again. Of course, he
continued to send me emails. As I said, my barriers are up and they
are not coming down.
The
thing that pisses me off the most is that he keeps saying things like
“I'm confused”, “I'm baffled”, and there's nothing confusing
or baffling going on here. My communication has been very clear.
Someone
trying to argue and pressure his way into the group simply does not
cut it with me.
To
break this down, in NVC, we would not say something like “You are
excluding people”. This is an interpretation. We would say
something along the lines of, “I am upset because I think you are
excluding me”.
Also,
I could say that he is lying, but this is an interpretation. It
could also be called “jackal speech”, i.e., speech that
disconnects us from each other, such as blaming and labelling. So I
prefer to say, “He keeps changing his story”.
In
NVC, we try to be as factual as possible. Instead of saying,
“Such-and-such happened”, we say, “I remember such-and-such
happening”. The truth is that people remember things differently.
I can only be responsible for what I remember.
Similarly,
for me to say he is “ trying to argue and pressure his way into the
group” is an interpretation, not an observation.
One
of the most important lessons to be learned from this is that if we
want someone to respect our feelings and needs, we first need to
connect with theirs – genuinely and from the heart. If Fred had
connected with my feelings and needs, I would probably have been a
lot more willing to listen to his. Instead, I just want to have
nothing to do with him now. This is how conflicts go unresolved.
It
takes a lot of practice to learn NVC and I am not always able to use
or apply the level of skill I would like to.
As
I said, I am calming down about the whole thing now. Even if I don't
receive empathy from Fred or from others, I can still give empathy to
myself. This can be a very rewarding experience.
I
welcome your comments below.
As the