As
I have asked bloggers to submit blogs that are personal, I want to
share with you some of my personal thoughts, feelings and
experiences.
As
I said in Violence Begins at Home, this work begins with the self.
We all want other people to change, but in order to achieve that, we first
need to change ourselves.
I
use many different personal development methods in my work and in my
life. The one method that has affected me the most is Nonviolent
Communication (NVC). For more about NVC, see 8 Books about NVC and
my interviews with NVC authors.
My
biggest problem has probably always been my low self-esteem, which I
could also characterize as self-hatred. I taught courses in Building
Self-Esteem and Confidence for many years.
The
way we talk about ourselves, to ourselves, is a central feature in
our self-esteem. We use language that undermines our confidence. We
use jackal language (blaming, judging labelling) to ourselves, about
ourselves. We learn lessons such as feeling “not good enough”
very early in life, and in consequence, we put ourselves down.
Often, we learn to put ourselves down before someone else has the
chance to do it. I have seen this tendency in myself and in many of
my students. I am usually unaware of it – it's a tendency that is
unconscious.
When
I was doing a lot of NVC, I found that my self-talk changed. The way
I talked to myself became more positive. I didn't plan for this or
expect it, it just happened.
I
have agoraphobia, one symptom of which is that I find it difficullt
to cross the street. I have to wait until I feel comfortable, until
there is not too much traffic, and so forth. I could be giving
myself positive, encouraging messages in this context.
But
one day, as I was waiting for the lights to change, I heard a voice
in my head saying you're
so STUPID!!!
Over and over again. I was shocked, but I'm sure these are the
types of messages I am giving myself all the time.
This
is just an example of the kind of self-talk that undermines our
self-esteem and conidence. When we are harsh with ourselves, we tend
to be harsh towards others as well. As Marshall Rosenberg explained
in Nonviolent Communication,
we can use jackal language towards ourselves or towards others.
When
we have jackal thoughts towards ourselves, we tend to project these
kinds of thoughts and attitudes towards others. This can, and often
does, lead to conflict.
When
I became kinder in my self-talk, others saw and commented on how
different I was in my interactions with others. I wish I had known
about NVC when I was teaching.
I
am very keen that more and more of us learn NVC. This will transform
our our lives, our worplaces and our communities and will,
eventually, transform the world. Transformation begins at home.
